True or False?

It’s day 15 of my 60-day window to complete the first draft of The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual Thoughts, and I’m thrilled to report that I’m approximately 1/4^th to 1/3^rd complete — mostly thanks to the collaborative efforts of my research team and “junior editors” who are standing by.  I’m so blessed to have such eager students in my BLAST mentorship program for aspiring writers and speakers who’ve been as excited to dive into this project as I have!

Please keep those prayers coming!  We’ve got a long way still to go before the July 10^th deadline!

Here’s a little quiz from chapter 1 to see how much you understand about sexual thoughts and fantasies…

 

True or False?

T   F     1. The Sexual Revolution of the past 40+ years is all about sex.

T   F     2. The church does an adequate job of teaching Christians how to appropriately

assess and discuss the topic of sexual fantasy. 

T   F     3.  All fantasy is inappropriate, unhealthy, and sinful.

T   F     4. Sexual fantasy and lust are the same thing. 

T   F     5. Christians control their sexual thoughts and actions better than others.

T   F     6. Sexual fantasies provide a road map to the sexual fulfillment we crave. 

T   F     7. Sexual fantasies are better left unspoken and unexplored.

T   F     8. Sexual fantasy is really just the brain’s way of driving us to do evil things. 

T   F     9. Anxiety, confusion, or fear over sexual fantasies is not a common issue.

T   F     10. Interpreting sexual fantasies isn’t going to solve any of the world’s problems.

 

Stay tuned for the answers to these questions in upcoming blog posts!

 

Warmly,

Shannon

 

P.S.  To learn more about the BLAST online mentorship program, go to www.shannonethridge.com/blast.shtml

Writing again!

Hello Dear Readers!

Consider this the start of a blog series about my progress on the NEW book I’m currently writing called:

The Fantasy Fallacy:

Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual Thoughts

To learn more about the project, and why I’m so enthused about it, watch this 7-minute video clip:

https://vimeo.com/42042337

I could really use your prayers!  As stated in the video, I only have SIXTY days to write a 60,000 word book!   God’s done bigger miracles, I know, but I’m going to need a miracle to cram in all that I want to say into this book in this limited amount of time!

Warmly,

Shannon

P.S. If you have a testimony you’d like to share about your own sexual fantasies and what God has taught you through them, I’d love to hear it!  Email me at askshannon@shannonethridge.com, but please be patient with me as I may be writing the book rather than responding to emails for a while!  Thanks!

Hope for Women Living in a Porn Torn World: A Beautiful Mind

Enjoy another blog from the continued series by Elle Emmerson!
-Shannon

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I cried the first time I watched the movie, A Beautiful Mind.  I couldn’t believe how much the life of a man living with schizophrenia, and the life of the wife struggling to help him, mirrored the life of a husband struggling with sexual brokenness, and the life of the wife living to love him through it. The similarities, uncanny.

In A Beautiful Mind, John’s imagination has turned towards the direction of self-destruction.  As schizophrenia slowly devours his mind, it also threatens to destroy the love he shares with his wife.  Simply stated, John is slowly loosing his grip on all that’s real and beautiful in his life.

Christian men everywhere struggle with sexual brokenness. Some, more than others. But make no mistake about it, internet pornography is the crack-cocaine of sexual addictions. It enters the body through the eye at break-neck speed, kicking an endorphin punch so powerful that it knocks a man’s sexual libido clear out of the park each and every time they choose to fix their gaze on sexually charged images on the screen. Porn hits a home run with every man, every time, guaranteed.  And, in the process, healthy relationships between husbands and their wives are often destroyed. Men free fall further than they ever would have wagered. Some men reap the total destruction of everything they held dear in their lives. The slippery slope of habitual sin, left unchecked will always spin into a death spiral if it’s not cut off completely in a man’s life. Death of a ministry. Death of a dream. Death of a marriage. Death of a beautiful mind. Death of all that’s real in a man’s life.

Men who use porn are hooked on fantasy. And, they are hooked on the sexual high they get from using porn for sexual release. But false intimacy and real intimacy were never meant to co-exist peacefully in the same heart. The human heart was never created to live with such duplicity.

When Alecia realizes that John has lost his grip on reality, she knows that the only way she can help him is to show him the difference between what is real and what is fantasy.

Alecia to John: “Do you know what’s real?”

Alecia: “This.” (She strokes his face with her hand.)

Alecia: “This.” (She strokes her face with his hand.)

Alecia: “This.” (She puts her hand over his heart. ) “This is real.” ”Maybe the part that knows the waking from the dream…maybe it’s in here”.

Alecia: “I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible.”

Do you see it?  Alecia knows that a beautiful mind flows out of a heart that lives for what’s real instead of for fantasy. When a man is hooked on porn and waist deep in the sickening sludge of sexual brokenness, he needs someone extraordinary to awaken his heart again to what’s real. When a woman is betrayed and feels like her heart has flat-lined, she needs someone extraordinary to pull her through to life again. Jesus is extraordinary. He longs to break into both of your lives and bring forth new life. He and he alone can do the extraordinary.

Alecia: ” I think often what I feel is obligation, or guilt of ever wanting to leave. Rage against John, against God.  But then I look at him, and I force myself to see the man that I married, and he becomes that man. He’s transformed into someone that I love, and I’m transformed into someone that loves him. It’s not all the time, but it’s enough.”

Trust God for the strength to keep on loving your man while you wait for change. Believe God to act on behalf of your prayers tomorrow, in ways you can’t even imagine are possible today.

Alecia reminds us to see with eyes of faith, no matter what our present reality. Believing in extraordinary possibilities despite incredibly challenging circumstances. Envisioning the man your husband could become. Believing God for transformation.

Fast forward to the end of the movie. Alecia and John’s love has stood the test of time. He has learned to manage his illness. She has persevered through the hard times in their marriage. Standing before his academic peers, John accepts The Noble Peace Prize for his life’s work on The Theory of Equilibrium.

John asks the question to the audience: ”What is truly logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the metaphysical, the delusional and back. And, I have made the most important discovery of any in my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. (The camera flashes to Alecia) You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons.”

Only in the mysterious equations of love can any logical reason be found. May we say this of Jesus when we meet him in heaven. May we say this of his love.  May perseverance be part of the mysterious equation of love that helps to bring our husbands to heaven with their hearts and minds healed, fully restored and found beautiful.  May the only logical reason for living in the beauty we discovered in marriage, be because together, we found Jesus. And, may we have fully come to realize that with God in the equation, this belief that the extraordinary was possible, wasn’t just a pipe dream after all.

Hope for Women Living in a Porn Torn World: The Forgiveness Basin

Enjoy another blog from the continued series by Elle Emmerson!
-Shannon

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I washed my husband’s feet for the first time on our wedding night. As he sat on the edge of the bed, I lovingly washed and dried his feet, and declared my faithfulness to him for all the days of his life.

 

Seasons came and went, and with the passing of time came the sobering realization that all was not well in paradise. I stood on the sidelines of life and watched pornography steal my husband’s mind, heart and faith in God. The harem in his imagination had ruthlessly invaded our real world. Intimate times together took a distant last place to the women in the recesses of his mind. I was my beloved’s, but he wasn’t mine.

 

Every woman who has gone through the experience of betrayal in marriage has a stark memory etched permanently in her mind of the moment she first discovered her husband had serious issues with sexual sin.  It’s the moment she discovers that on some very base level, she’s really only been living a mirage of a marriage after all.

 

When I reached this moment in my own life, I began to pray for my marriage. Desperate prayers really. Prayers like, “Please God, do something!”  I prayed hoping to avoid the embarrassment of my marriage being exposed as a sham. I prayed because I loved my man, although I feared loving him would leave me only crushed and empty when it was all said and done.  I prayed, because my soul, was being thrust violently into the middle of the deepest, darkest forest I had ever known, and I was nearly suffocating with wild fear.

 

Years wore on as we rode the cycles of his addiction. And always, the secrecy, denial, the uncovering, and finally, the crushing pain. Anger, shame and imminent despair also ride the heels of sexual brokenness every time my husband went for a spin, and as a consequence, I rode these emotions every time he did too.

 

One cold December night, I rolled over in bed to find my husband gone. Hearing the sound of the t.v., I tip-toed down the stairs, peeked around the corner and saw images on the screen that sent chillls up my spine. Images incredibly crude and graphic. Porn, welcomed into our home for a nightcap, had unlocked the door to my husband’s heart, and devoured his soul. “Stop it, ” I begged. You’re breaking my heart.” Sobs escaped from somewhere deep within my bleeding heart. I wept unashamedly. I sunk down to my knees and cried out to God. That’s when I heard a whisper, audible only to my heart. “Wash his feet”. I stilled my breathing and heard the voice once more. “Wash his feet and forgive his sins against you.”

 

Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is birthed when we chose to fully engage our heart and will in the process of release.  And, forgiveness, infused with God’s power, forges freedom.  Freedom from bitterness. Freedom from resentement. Freedom to live fully forgiven ourselves.

 

I understand how difficult it is to forgive someone who has deeply violated your trust. For every wife wrestling with offering forgiveness to her man, may the rest of this story offer encouragement to go the distance and give the most amazing gift you could ever give your husband and yourself.

 

Dawn came and went, and sometime in-between the wakening and the dreaming of the days that passed, I went to the linen cupboard and got out the basin.  I dusted off the bowl and filled it with warm water and fragrant bath oil.  Inviting my husband to the bedroom, I lovingly washed and dried his feet. And, as I did, the memory of washing his feet for the first time came flooding across my mind’s eye and an amazing thing happened.  As I obeyed God’s command to wash his feet, the dam surrounding my self-protected, shell-shocked heart broke wide open and God’s love poured in. And out of the overflow, words of grace and forgiveness freely flowed as I was able to offer him mercy.  My husband was deeply and visibly moved.

 

I live in a marriage with a husband who continues to walk in sexual brokenness.  Forgiving him has often been the last thing on my mind and heart.  Perhaps you can identify?  God knows your pain and understands the brokenness in your life.  But, he is waiting, willing and entirely able to bring complete healing to your aching heart if you let him in.  Unload the burden of a heavy and embittered heart at the foot of the cross.  Surrender your right to be bitter and choose to forgive instead. Forgiving others releases God’s resurrection power into the dead places in our lives and brings forth life.  Let the mantle of forgiveness rests over your marriage for your yesterdays, your today and for all your tomorrows. The outcome of your tomorrow is dependent on your choice to forgive today. Let mercy reign.

Hope for Women Living in a Porn Torn World: SOS! Pick up your paddle and wave

I will be posting a 3 part series by Elle Emmerson!
Enjoy!
-Shannon

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The summers of my youth were spent vacationing on a lake. I was 16, carefree, and in love. One night, my boyfriend and I escaped for a private canoe ride. We didn’t tell our parents, didn’t take life jackets, and didn’t bring flashlights. We just took each other. Pushing off from shore was the only decision we made that summer’s night that was in our control.
Paddling out into the middle of the lake, we floated blissfully beneath a corner of heaven’s canopy. All was peaceful and romantic until our date was interrupted by the sound of a ski boat heading out on the water at full speed. The roar of the engine echoed off lofty mountain peaks from every direction. Standing up in the canoe and looking out into the night, I zeroed in on the boat. It was bearing down on us at high speed. We started to scream, hoping to be heard in time.
But the deadly dark swallowed our hope. The moon lay hidden under dense cloud cover. We braced ourselves for the impact of a direct hit only seconds away.
Then, a thought flashed into my mind. It was something I had read in an outdoors magazine at the dentist’s office. “Canoe safety tip #1. When a powerboat comes dangerously close to your canoe, pick up your paddle and wave.”
Instinctively, I picked up my paddle and waved with all my might! At that moment, the sky parted its grey veil of secrecy and the brilliant moon shone through. The sudden glint of my paddle was seen just in time.
With a head-on head collision avoided, the boat passed just inches off our right side. Our canoe was swamped, but we were alive.
Living in the wake of your husband’s sexual sin makes you and your marriage targets of Satan. He wants to take you both out.
Just as no one knew we were out in the canoe that summer’s night, maybe no one knows what’s going on beneath the surface of your married life. You’re ashamed to admit to friends and family that there’s a problem. Satan works best in darkness and secrecy. But continuing to live a marriage of pretense only suspends the laws of sowing and reaping in your husband’s life.  It’s not honoring to God or your marriage.  You must seek help.  I did and it is making all the difference in the story of our lives.  God is delivering my husband from the ocean of darkness in his heart one day at a time.
Perhaps you’ve discovered your husband’s addiction to Internet porn and didn’t see it coming. Blindsided! The impact blew you right out of the water. All along you’ve been pretending the gaping wound of little or no sexual intimacy wasn’t a big deal. Now, you realize his little online habit is just the tip of the iceberg.
Maybe he feigned being a devoted family man and great provider for your children. In reality, he’s been spending your vacation fund on calls to 900-numbers for phone sex. How could he sink so low?
Had you believed your marriage was unsinkable? Your husband always faithful?
Now you’re facing a head-on collision with a painful reality. Should you jump ship while you’re still able? Wait for a rescue? Bail? Or, simply go down together?
You’ve been afraid to “rock the boat” and confront him; it’s frightening to face the awful truth of your situation. But the continued downward cycles of sexual sin have enormous destructive power to rip a hole right through your heart.  You can’t afford to wait.
But here’s the hope in your story and mine. Just as the moon’s rays reflected off my canoe paddle and saved me from a deadly collision, Jesus is the light shining in our darkest night. He exposes and defeats Satan’s plans for our destruction by his victory on the cross.

God longs to come to our rescue and help us ride out the treacherous waves of betrayal.
Hear hope from the book of Isaiah (58:8-9): “Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I.”
On that near tragic night out on the water, I picked up my paddle and waved.
Call out to God in your troubles. Send out an SOS. Trust him with your life. God is waiting to pluck you out of the frigid depths of despair and recover your capsized heart. He’ll swim with you through the painful waters of your marriage and keep your heart afloat throughout the journey back to shore.  Just pick up your paddle and wave!
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Dear God,
Our marriage is in deep waters of trouble. Help me not to be afraid, but to trust in you. Be my strength and help in trouble. Give me courage to share with friends and family who can help us. Restore our lives by your righteousness, healing, and resurrection power. Deliver us from that which threatens to destroy us. In your mighty name Jesus, Amen.

Hooking Up vs. Holding Out: Helping Singles Find a Healthy Sexual Balance (Part 7 of 7)

Hooking Up vs. Holding Out:
Helping Singles Find a Healthy Sexual Balance
(Part 7 of 7)

Drawing Boundary Lines

It’s important for a couple to be honest with one another about their sexual history (particularly a history that involves sexual abuse, addictions, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies, and/or abortions).  However, certain boundary lines need to be drawn so that “new trauma” isn’t created during these conversations.  For example, certain details such as (1) the identity of previous sexual partners, (2) specific sexual acts previously engaged in, and (3) specific places where those acts took place – none of these serve any purpose other than as painful reminders of a spouse’s sexual misconduct.  Rather than focusing on the “who, what, & where” of a person’s sexual history, focus on the lessons learned during those seasons, what their healing process has looked like since, and how the spouse-to-be can support them in their continued growth and maturing process.

As I explain to couples, you can’t have genuine sexual intimacy without genuine sexual integrity!  A sexually healthy couple is comprised of two sexually healthy individuals, so encourage both to be honest about any sexual and emotional baggage that may surface during their lifetime together.  By cultivating certain fruits of the Spirit from Galatians 5:22-23 (specifically love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control), couples can forge a rich, vibrant marital relationship in the future, regardless of what’s in their past.

Hooking Up vs. Holding Out: Helping Singles Find a Healthy Sexual Balance (Part 6 of 7)

Hooking Up vs. Holding Out:
Helping Singles Find a Healthy Sexual Balance
(Part 6 of 7)

 

Questions to Explore in Pre-Marital Counseling

As spiritual leaders, we must boldly take pre-marital counseling sessions into regions that may cause some discomfort, but the discomfort of an awkward pre-marital conversation is much preferred over the discomfort of a future divorce.  Here’s a list of questions to consider tossing out in pre-marital counseling situations:

1. Have you discussed your sexual histories with one another?
2. If so, what did you learn about each other?  Is there anything that concerns you?
3. If both are virgins, what kind of issues may present themselves after your wedding day?
4. Do you have questions or concerns about healthy sexual expression within marriage?
5. Do you have any guilt, fear, or inhibition about fully engaging in a vibrant sexual relationship with one another once married?
6. How often do you feel it is healthy for a husband or wife to want to engage in sex with their spouse?
7. How often do you suspect you may desire to be sexually intimate?
8. If one of you is a virgin, and the other is not, what kind of issues might you need to be aware of entering into marriage?
9. Do you believe God has forgiven you fully for your sexual misdeeds?  And that God has forgiven your fiancé for the same?
10. Do you believe you have the complete forgiveness of your fiancé?  How do you know?
11. Have you forgiven yourself for any pre-marital mistakes?

Are you committed to communicating honestly with your spouse regarding any and all sexual issues that arise in the future, recognizing that genuine sexual intimacy requires deep levels of trust and open communication?